Alucard and Me
by Arcturus
Summary: Alucard. One of the most sinister vampires out there, and yet on the side of humans. He slays freakish undead. He protects helpless humans. And now, he faces the challenges of everday life!


Infinite Monkeys on Infinite Typewriters Productions Presents  
  
"Alucard and Me"  
  
A Hellsing Spamfic by Arcturus  
  
***  
  
It was mid-afternoon in Los Angeles. In an office building, a man sat back in his chair, looking at the various executive toys he had assembled on the desk. Across from him stood an underling producer, almost wide-eyed in his excitement at the flash of brilliance that had crossed his mind.  
  
"Boss," he began, "I just had the greatest idea for a new sitcom! It'll bring us ratings for sure!"  
  
The executive idly put his hands behind his head, leaning back slightly. "Yeah, that's what you said about 'The Dennis Rodman Comedy Hour.' We're still writing checks for that one, you know."  
  
"I know boss, but that one just didn't work out. This one will be a hit! I guarantee it!"  
  
"All right, tell me about it. And make it quick. I've got a late lunch with Michael Eisner."  
  
"You got it, boss. First off, let me ask you this: have you ever heard of the Hellsing Organization?"  
  
The executive cocked an eyebrow. "What the heck is that supposed to be? Sounds like some kind of satanic Broadway troupe."  
  
The producer shook his head. "No boss, they're this group that hunts down the living dead and...well, it's a long story. Anyway, their main 'attraction,' as it were, is a vampire by the name of Alucard. So I got to thinking, 'What would happen if Alucard moved to the big city and had a human roommate?'"  
  
"Wait a second...are you saying you would have a sitcom pairing up an ordinary human with a vampire?"  
  
"That's it, boss! It's the original odd couple!" the director said, waving his arms about wildly. "I've named the show 'Alucard and Me.' Think of the possibilities! The comic potential has no bound! Why, it could all start with the awkward introductory episode!"  
  
***  
  
(Scene: The human, named Greg, opens the bathroom door to see a dog that almost resembles Cthulu growling at him. He quickly closes the door, his eyes wide with terror.)  
  
Alucard: Oh, hello. I didn't see you walk in. I'm Alucard, your new roommate. Don't worry about the animal in there, it only tears out non-vital organs.  
  
Greg: N...n...non-vital organs?  
  
Alucard: Oh, yes. And be warned...it gets very angry when people leave the toilet seat up.  
  
Greg: *sigh* Why me?  
  
(Laugh track)  
  
***  
  
"Not bad, but surely this idea can't go too far," the skeptical executive said.  
  
"Oh, but it can, boss! How about when the human goes on a first date, and Alucard hides outside the window whispering advice to him?"  
  
***  
  
Girl: Excuse me, for a moment, I need to go freshen up.  
  
(The girl exits)  
  
Greg: How am I doing, Alucard?  
  
(Alucard eerily hovers outside the window.)  
  
Alucard: You're not being very aggressive, Greg. You should compliment her more.  
  
Greg: But...but...what kind of compliment works best?  
  
Alucard: Well, tell her...  
  
(Alucard whispers something into Greg's ear)  
  
Greg: Ah, gotcha!  
  
(The girl returns and sits down.)  
  
Greg: My, your throbbing jugular is looking particularly enticing tonight!  
  
(Laugh track)  
  
***  
  
The executive chuckled at this one. "That's a good one! Where else can you go with this?"  
  
"Well, inevitably, Alucard and the human are going to have some kind of fight and draw a line down the middle of the apartment to separate their sides, right? Well, we could have some fun with this one!"  
  
***  
  
(An irate Greg storms over to the line bisecting the apartment.)  
  
Greg: All right, Alucard! I just found this blood bag on MY side of the apartment! I'm getting sick of this!  
  
Alucard: Are you sure it isn't YOUR blood bag?  
  
Greg: Well, I suppose I can check to make sure, but...HEY!  
  
(Laugh track)  
  
***  
  
This time, the executive was laughing heartily. "Okay, you've sold me. Write me something official-looking and I'll green light it!"  
  
"Alucard and Me" never got off the ground. Alucard and his comrades were contracted by another studio to do a sitcom before the producer could reach them. Millions of American homes would be entertained by the wacky misadventures of Alucard, Seras, Integra and their friends.  
  
But don't worry. Perhaps it's better off that "Alucard and Me" never happened. After all, then we wouldn't be entertained every Thursday night at eight by "The Hellsing Bunch!" 


End file.
